New year, new start

Forgive me, blogosphere, it's been two months since last my post.
I've been more squashed by the pneumonia than I predicted, and was a little preoccupied by a couple of things in real life - one of those has lead to me reducing my hours at work and taking a leave of absence from post-graduate study in order to concentrate on the future of my profession, but these changes will also give me more room to focus on lifestyle change (as well as almost halving my income, so there'll be considerably less income available for high-calorie treats).
The other things is that, thanks to a couple of confrontations in close succession, I have a degree of space and perspective about my family that I've never had before. I've tried a number of diet, exercise and weightloss programs in the past and despite my conscious commitment, something within me has always balked when I dipped below 100k. And, even though I was aware of what I was doing, when I had a falling out with my family, especially my mother, I'd head straight to the Food of Evil.
I don't really know why, but it's different now. I'd been planning on seeing a therapist this year, to work through these issues, but - at least for the time being - I feel a degree of distance and disconnection from family drama that makes than unnecessary.
It's not all good - my exercise tolerance is considerably diminished, and I've lost a lot of ground. It's also shaping up to be an exceptionally hot summer in Melbourne, which is not my favourite thing. But diet is more than 50% of weightloss, and I can make up fitness ground.
I have a few New Year's resolutions:
1. a blog entry (here, on our Bookish blog, or my separate blog) every day
2. a monthly assessment of fitness, weight and dimensions
3. a minimum of 15k weightloss by midyear (I really want more than20k but one can always exceed ones' aim)
4. a month of the Vegan Challenge
And a small list of non-bloggish resolutions about organisation, procrastination, time management, new skills and life enlargement.
Tomorrow's entry will be the first of my monthly assessments, whcih means I have to head off to bed - Happy New Year! - Alex

Binge triggers

I went to bed with plans for the day - I'd get out of bed before midday, vacuum the carpet like I've been wanting to do for over a week, go to the doctor and walk home, and manage to eat all the 17 Day Diet meals.
Yeah, nor so much. I woke up just before midday, but getting up proved a little harder, in no small part because I took my laptop to be last night and there's always distraction online. And I needed a little recover time after my shower; instead of seeing the doctor I made an appointment for tomorrow, which is something, and I've rung work to let them know I won't be in - I'm certainly feeling better but from a pretty low base line and there's just no way I'd be useful at work - on an average shift I walk 13,000 steps and I doubt I could manage that, let alone the actual work, and I'm still having episodes of uncontrollable coughing.
So what did I manage to do? I finished yesterday's turkey for breakfast and steamed cauliflower and asparagus with over baked cherry tomatoes and salmon for lunch. And then I read an email from my sister in London, asking me to delay my trip until next year, which my mother's been prepared to do at short notice in the past. Apparently my recent presence disrupted my niblings (niece and nephew), made her life more stressful and hectic, and didn't ask her if the last trip was convenient, let alone this one.
As it happens, though I'd be less inclined to going to Europe as often as I do if I didn't have family there, the last trip was because of a biannual conference in the Netherlands that I presented at. I did also go to a conference in England that, while interesting, was predominantly so I ha a tax-deductible reason for visiting London as going so close and not popping in felt rude.
My next trip encompasses three conferences, two in London and one in Manchester. The conferences fees aren't refundable, just like my flights, train tickets and hotel, all of which I got at a reduced rate for booking early. I can quite easily not see my sister, or at least not often while I'm there, but I did ask if I could spend a night there and leave my suitcase for a couple of days, as I've got a day seminar near them and then leave that night for Manchester. I can book another night at the hotel but they won't hold my luggage overnight, let alone for three days, so I'll have to take that with me, which is doable but annoying. I'm feeling quite grudging about the presents I bought my sister and her family, and pleased I didn't buy her the new phone and tablet I was thinking about getting her.
I'm more sanguine than I was initially, but getting from pissed to less pissed and a little amused was aided by the ingestion of a packet of Lite'n'Easy crunchy noodle snack and several sweet things; to whit: a Choo-choo bar, a mini Bounty, and an entire box of Toffifee, which I don't even like that much. The good news is that I'm still under my notional daily calorie aim (per Calorie King),and even factoring that in I've only averaged 850 or so calories a day, but I'm pissed that even knowing what I was doing I still swallowed my emotions instead of finding a more productive response.
I'm old enough to have moved past from this kind of stimulus-response behaviour. I like to think I can manage these kinds of ingrained reactions but I'm starting to think I need a professional to help give me the tools to manage better. I've had several annoying family incidents in the past week - my sister calling twice after midnight because she hadn't printed out vouchers for the holiday to Rome I arranged for her on behalf of my mother until the day before her flight; my father calling twice early in the morning because my mother couldn't work out how to use her CashCards even though I set the PIN she wanted, wrote it down where she asked, and went through it with her before she left; got three texts late last night from my mother's friend asking me to contact my brother in the US to make sure he was ready for her arrival today (that would be three texts back, two emails and a phone call to my brother); and a text and phone message from my aunt this morning, worried because she couldn't get on to him, followed by a message from him reassuring me he was fine, which I wasn't particularly concerned about as we spoke last night, when he called because he couldn't contact my mother in Rome and wondered if she was okay. It's really no wonder I've decoded not to add news of my pneumonia the angst that is my family dynamic.
They're not going to change any time soon, so I have to. Otherwise this cycle, which has repeated for as long as I can remember, will continue and I'll be fat and swallowing my emotions for the rest of my life. - Alex